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[10 Sep 2009|11:29am] |
why are things so difficult i just don't understand why god can't be on my side once in awhile?
i think i might be pregnant. if not, period you better come in the next day or two..youre two weeks late.
starting a new birth control. going to see my doctor today. starting a new therapist. yoga. riding horses again.
having awful cravings for beef, all the time. its doing bad things to me i think.
spending lots of time with matt. still trying to keep options open...but really happy with him :)
hating all the lying going on between my ex boyfriend. ugh go away.
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[02 Sep 2009|06:32pm] |
today was eventful. i worked a long ass shift on about three hours of sleep and to top it off the cooks came in an hour late as i was sitting on the bench just twiddling my thumbs. while working, steve sent me a text that said, "i hate you so much i wish you were dead. i hope you get into a crash while youre on matts bike. i wish i never met you. you're dead to me." so thats that. funny because matt introduced me to steve while we were flirting and stuff, two plus years ago. i guess its not funny at all actually. i feel like a dirtbag still but im trying to realize that honestly steve dumped me and told me to be happy. i am happy. and on im single and living life. and he told me i was selfish but guess what...he was far worse when we were dating. too selfish to care, too selfish to call, too selfish to tell me the truth. im sorry im being selfish now by being happy. aren't we all put on this earth to look for happiness?
on a lighter note. i talked to brian hunt today on the phone. felt good to get an unbiased opinion from someone who knows us both. i think we're hanging out next weekend and grabbing drinks. going on campus tomorrow to buy more books and eat hoco shit for food and then shit out hoco food. saweettt.
well, we shall see how things go. onwards and upwards i suppose.
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[30 Aug 2009|10:52pm] |
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its so funny how much a person changes after a breakup. like half the shit they ever said to you was straight bullshit. i guess thats normal. it sucks more when people you thought were your friends seemingly go out of their way to try to make you jealous by hanging out with your ex boyfriend 24/7. i dont give a fuck...those are people im not trying to hang out with anyway.
on a lighter note. have been spending lots of time with matt lately which feels good so far. told myself i wouldnt rush into things and i would try to spend more time alone or with friends but its hard to do that with a guy whose been your best friend for over two years. and as for people talking? let them talk. i dont give a fuck. if me and who im seeing impacts you that much you live a sad, sad life and should probably go outside and drown yourself in a pool somewhere. i am excited for class and stuff tomorrow...being on campus and seeing my normal college friends will be a nice break from being in derry all the time. not that i dont love my derry friends, but most of them have fucked me over anyway or dropped all contact with me because of steve. goes to show how close you thought they were to you anyway.
moved in with all the girls tonight. it feels really good. i have a new laptop. took down all the bullshit that belongs to steve off my walls and that makes my room bare but definitely helps erase his existence entirely from my mind which is what im trying to accomplish. i dont have the heart to delete all of our pictures from my facebook or computer though. that would be too hard i think.
as for everything else in my life? very overwhelming but im trying to take each day as it comes. i have had a few slip ups from demons from the past but im hoping what kills me only makes me stronger.
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[27 Aug 2009|02:56pm] |
here are some of the things i know:
steve dumped me two weeks ago because he knew i wasn't happy and he clearly didnt want to make the effort/hurt me any longer. it sucked but we're on totally different paths and it was for the best. definitely.
i love being single. and although there is a lot of talk going around, i can't help but laugh at how much people really care. you see, you lose a boyfriend and everyone says get over it, but you gain someone else and suddenly everyone cares. also losing a lot of your friends that you made through your ex significant other also hurts when half of them try to bang you and the other half pretend you just literally died.
another thing i know is that i don't want to be in a relationship for awhile. i am happy with what i am doing now. i've connected with someone on a complete different level and while i am really happy and enjoying it, i know i'm not putting labels on anything. i also know that im not going to go around banging a bunch of people, but by no means am i gonna solely invest all my time into one person. i did that for two years. i need to focus on myself and friends and having fun. literally thats the biggest reason why i want to be single is so i can have fun without having to answer to someone or feel like im doing something wrong.
i also know that this school year is going to be super fun, i can feel it in my bones.
one last thing, if you care enough to talk about what is going on, and if youre reading this im sure you have a general idea, it might be in your best interest to get your fucking facts straight and ask me yourself instead of making up half assed rumours to make yourself look better.
ok, going out to enjoy the nice weather. later
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[26 Aug 2009|06:48pm] |
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i'm gonna start writing in this thing again.
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[16 Jul 2009|12:36pm] |
i havent updated this thing in well over a month so i guess that means i've been really busy. i quit catering to pursue waitressing, while embracing affirmative action for my heritage, at the thai restaraunt in dover. pretty pumped because i start today.
things with steve remain stagnant and never changing. i can't decide if thats a good thing or a bad. life is boring me recently. i do the same thing everyday.
decided to live with jess next year, and emily. i'm really excited about that. bye
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[05 Jun 2009|02:33pm] |
been having all these crazy nightmares that steve is cheating on me. the people that he cheats on me range from realistic to down right laughable. doesn't matter, the feeling in the morning when i wake up still sucks even though i know its a dream. i can't shake off the feeling for at least two or three hours without dwelling on a wisp of a thought that is only a dream.
went to tophers the other night and hung out with basically kelsey and nikki and like 9347529074 sk8er bois who all wear reynolds pants, floppy homeless guy hats, wolf/other assorted wild creatures t-shirts, and hoodies wear the hood is just barely grazing their head, half off- half on. it's funny because in high school my friends were all skaters and i forgot about their very uniformed way of dress.
been hanging out with my kitties everyday. love them to death. except emily's is potty trained and my shits every where/pee's. ugh
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[01 Jun 2009|01:15pm] |
this weekend was probably the worst, best, and most awkward series of events i've ever gone through in 72 hours. in short, i met up with mati and we had a very long, interesting, shocking, funny, catch-up, secret telling talk. it was really nice. i had forgotten what had made me date that man for 2 years! i went to jenna rugh's graduation party and there was like 120 people there. i knew about 5. steve and i got into a huge fight and in summation (through my fault and a little of his) i was stranded at her house for a little bit. nik and matt thankfully were the last of the mohegans to help me not get berated into coming to some sketch dudes spare bedroom. had margarita deck drinking day on saturday and that was a lot of fun. daily took me for a super sick ride on his bmw motorcycle and we saw a turtle crossing the road, unfriendly harley bikers, and kids on dirtbikes trying to keep up.
moving into my new apartment today. originally i was very nervous because of all the shit talking that had gone on behind my back but i've decided to be bigger person and ignore it, and try to be optimistic. at least i have emily to keep me sane, if nobody else. my own room on the third floor? i mean did you really think i wanted the tiniest bedroom? no, but its far away from noise. steve and mike are helping me move in today and i'm really excited to have a fresh start although i will miss dave and max, to be quite honest. i will still visit though because my lease isnt technically over until july 31st.
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[26 May 2009|08:02pm] |
LIFE SUCKS I WISH I WAS SIXTEEN SO THIS ENTRY WAS ACCEPTABLE. FUCK YOU.
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[14 May 2009|01:07pm] |
things have been going downhill lately. my life is one big maniac rollercoaster. got fired from my nannying job. started catering 10X more now. start classes in one week. balls. lots of my friends are leaving college and graduating and going on to bigger and better things. i wish them luck!
i sit in bed like all day and just watch momomesh.com movies with a thing of shrimp cocktail and a kin henry book. whats become of me? pretty soon ill start letting myself go and gaining weight and not plucking my eyebrows! ok never mind, thatll never happen.
turning 21 in like...a month. woo. go do something better than read my livejournal. it sucks bye
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[30 Apr 2009|04:39pm] |
a couple of things on my mind.
1. i have been obsessed with secluding myself in my room so i can watch the tudors undisturbed on a nightly basis.
2. matt hunter, im glad you read my livejournal. i feel i must update solely for your entertainment purposes.
3. my cousin won miss jacksonville cover model search which is a big deal down there. shes the one i visit when i go to florida twice a year to see my moms side of the family. this is her: 
4. taking a break from modeling. the money is good but the photogs can be sketch and not professional all the time. heres a few i got sent to me that i really liked though:
( implied nudity WARNINGGGGGGGGGGG )
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[27 Apr 2009|04:41pm] |
i've been feeling really emotional lately, which i guess is completely different from my usual, "you can't approach me-i'm really apathetic-total bitch-doesn't listen-uncaring-cold" self right??? i spent a great weekend with friends i care about. left behind most of the UNH drama thats been swirling around this dead beat town. i swear, you could have a reality show about the shit certain people say about me to my friends! we should have a blog on just YOU and what you say about me alone! cause from what i've heard, you never stop!! lololollll. leave me aloneeeeeee.
spent a lot of time with steve this weekend. i was really disappointed that i couldn't go to boston, but hey, its his family. its just so stressful having them contact ME and then get disappointed when i can't do something! like its even my fault! i always want to go. :(
i have a concert on wednesday in the PCAC at 8 pm, i don't need to ask you to go because i know my true friends will make an effort if they are able and thats all i can ask. steve is going and my parents and my roomies. so, whatever.
i am watching little beauties on vh1 right now and its so bad its unreal. pageants are gross.
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[11 Apr 2009|07:48pm] |
sitting at my dads, while they're all at church for easter stuff. no thank you. emily and i are watching that horrid show on freshmen at college on MTV because nothing else is on!
had another shoot on friday. in hampton. check the profile for the link to see them. this guy did all the photography for the jewelry company jjnumber8, which is amazing and im so lucky to have shot with him. he is sending me prints for my portfolio. im blessed! im also shooting with dastardly dave, who is an awesome photographer who is the primary photographer for audrey kitching and raquel reed.
steve told me he's going to visit me every thursday now that he has his license. so, ive seen him for the past two weeks! im so excited and im so happy that he's getting his stuff together. :) pretty soon i'll have diamonds drippin' off my wrists bitch.
plymouth last night was such a blast.
couple random things about this week/past week:
i realized, i am not lying for people anymore/even allowing myself to get involved in anything.
my kidneys are not getting any better. but i guess they aren't getting any worse. my meds dont make me feel sick anymore.
i got my period three days early, wtf.
i have high cholestrol i think.
cigarette commercials/smoking awareness is slowly starting to affect me. maybe.
i like being naked.
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[30 Mar 2009|07:42pm] |
yeah get over it. just ordered this online. sick.
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[26 Mar 2009|12:15pm] |
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life has been pretty much the same. with the exception that my stupid kidneys are shutting down. on some new medications i gotta take for at least a year, daily. oh well. if i need a transplant, god forbid, i have emily...who has the same kidneys. people usually die because waiting for a kidney takes forever and having it match and take hold to the body is pretty rare.
heard about carl dying. thats pretty sad. i feel badly for his close friends and family. its funny how when people die suddenly you remember them. people come out of the woodwork and are like, omg i miss him. its like, werent you the one who punched him in the face? i understand grief to an extent but i think alot of it is bullshit. regardless, rest in peace.
went to les mis with steve and his grandparents and very odd, nearly mute, 14 year old punk rocker extension wearing cousin. the musical was fabulous, as i undoubtedly knew it would be! bless you mr. quigley. whose going to be able to fill those shoes huh?
cant believe its almost april. spring is here! ive put so much stock into the summer. i hope it works out and is actually fun like im envisioning. ive been complaining about monotony so much but i guess i could do something about it.
so obsessed with pomegranate lemonade. gonna go drink some. later gators.
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[10 Mar 2009|12:09am] |
Happy Birthday Rachel Quarrell.
(birthday mention #5)
I win! Happy 21st bffle.
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[07 Mar 2009|05:09pm] |
perhaps wellbutrin is a bad choice for me. i know it makes you a little manic in the first few weeks, but last night was shocking for me. i had three beers and started feeling almost drunk. i was wondering aloud why that might be and turns out several people at this gathering were also on wellbutrin. they informed me that it makes your sex drive go down, cuts your tolerance in half, and makes you gain weight. hmmm. national average i know but. woah. the only thing i could do without is the sex thing. im going to wait it out for a month though. i got some bad anxiety too last night, but had greg and amanda talk me through it.
steve and i had been going through some communicational problems that can hopefully be improved upon. thats all ill say about that.
been feeling very monotonous and deadpan for the past year or so. my life is a flat line and its hard for me to identify with people like i used to. apathetic i guess. thats why i went on wellbutrin. i havent been on anything like that since i was sixteen. ehh. ive lost interest in most activities, including school. we'll see what happens.
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[02 Mar 2009|04:21pm] |
spending my snow day sniffling, coughing, not being able to breathe, steak and SVU. what a day.
this past weekend was exhausting but a lot of fun. steve spent three nights in dover. it was awesome.
nikkis been here for two days almost. we spend a lot of time watching tv.
erin came over the other day for dinner. it was entertaining.
i had my concert. i was really happy with the turnout and the amount of people that came out to support me. it was really great!
so excited for next year's rooming situation and the people i get to live with. not only will i be 21, but having a ton of fun with girls i love and with whom i can share clothes.
i need robotussin. fuck.
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[23 Feb 2009|03:52pm] |
i'm pissed. britney spears hasn't updated her twitter in forever. watched into the wild with steve last night. after, i was horribly depressed and re-evaluating my life. terrible movie because it leaves you thinking that life is one big cesspool of idealism and solitude with an unhappy ending. it was still nice to spend a whole night with steve just hanging out and vegging.
i am sad that most of my friends are in some kind of weird funk this past week and weekend. i think its spring so people are just kinda starting to get over winter, which means change, and getting ready for summer.
decided i am definitely done with letting people in my life do hard drugs. i dont even like pot, but whatever. no more coke, or snorting pills. or snorting anything. i am sick of feeling like crap and being hurt. no more. read that!
im hungry im going to go make shrimp cocktail and frozen crab rangoons. later.
can't wait for this weekend! kelseys recital is on saturday! and my concert is on sunday.
i wish steve could be there
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[18 Feb 2009|02:24am] |
lately, i've been feeling really under the weather. i feel as though my life has hit a monotonous rut. i need some guidance, but i don't know who to talk to. lord knows my friends have enough with school work and such, they don't need another burden. i'm vastly stressed about my living situation and have been for months. ive heard many things that are hurtful and unclear. but, for whats its worth, my decision had never faltered. now it seems im one of the ones who was "shady" which is frustrating because i have alway been extremely upfront with my opinion and desires to all parties involved. i wish people would talk to me. since day one, i have been approachable and friendly about the subject despite other peoples take on it.
i am also stressed about second to living next year, which is steve. i feel that we have hit as high as we can go, on my part at least. i think i have given everything i can possibly give, perhaps its on him now to make things better. im drained financially, emotionally, and physically. i dont put the blame entirely on him, i have faith that with a job and license things will be back to equality. however, i know that i put people before me far too much and take whatevers given to me with a grin a salt? assault? of salt? who knows. i hope he can start putting in more effort. its embarassing when people tell me that because i know already. jeesh. i love him too much though to give up on him yet and i know he can get through this with me by his side.
for once, my friendships with people have stayed normal and fine. not much to be sad about there. sushi this week nikki?
my band concert is MARCH FIRST ON SUNDAY. a week from this sunday. i would be more than ecstatic if my friends could really come out and support me for this. it means a lot.
its late. time for bed.
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